I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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