You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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