I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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