I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
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VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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