I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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