make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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