i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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