dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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