I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
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All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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