i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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