new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
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the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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