Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
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he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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