Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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