it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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