You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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