Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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