I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
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I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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