she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to be covered in dicks
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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