nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
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It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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