I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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