Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm just crazy horny about you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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