My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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