Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize