if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
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Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
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I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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