I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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