Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
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So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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