brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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