How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
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Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
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Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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