Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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