did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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