So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
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You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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