As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
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Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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