I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
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I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
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A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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