just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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