How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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