I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
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you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
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Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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