im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
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He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize