Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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