Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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