It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
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I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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