I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
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No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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