I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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