PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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