fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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