i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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