Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
we should paint friendship bongs
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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