I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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