The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
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You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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