I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize