Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
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You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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